Published December 24, 2006
Hermes's headlights breast the horizon
and we stand side-by-side, casting shadows
across the River Stix, black and etched asphalt,
a thousand graffiti souls steaming on the surface.
Clutching my thin frame to her own, we shiver
as the roar of the dying world echoes in the
void of three-in-the-morning darkness.
Windows and streetlights blink out, sensing our
haunt. The night is windless, and I can taste
reality on my tongue.
Between our fingers, energy blooms and
we light a thousand stars afire, breaking marvels
out of stone, shaping marble into Rome -
We are isotopes, isotones, interchangeable:
odorless and colorless, cyanide on the tip of
oregano smokes. Isosceles, we tower,
tongues together, chemistry catalysts with a
finger to the trigger of the world.
"We matter."
I'll let you believe in a God tonight,
for I wish your mortal eyes aware.
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141,258 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
While I feel that maybe the overall presentation was rather too dramatic for my taste, I appreciate the use of the adjectives. It needs a little tweaking here and there to make it flow better, but at the end of the day it gets a definite thumbs-up from me!
...I apologize on the wording, I'll tweak it as much as possible -- you see, it's a quote from Homer's THE ODYSSEY =/
These two lines throw me slightly. I see that you are using them to tie of your two main stanzas, yet, I find them jarring with how the rest of the poem is presented. Perhaps remove this:
This is a great piece, but I felt as though the last two stanzas, everything after "'We matter'" just didn't go with the rest. The tone of the first two stanzas really appealed to me, and they flowed well, alone and together. The last two lines didn't seem to have that same tone, that same appeal. I think it's the use of "for" when saying "for I wish your mortal eyes aware". The language is off in some way. It's too...hmm, I don't know.
The "'We matter'" was okay. I would be fine with just taking out the last two stanzas. Obviously that's not the way you intended this piece to be, but I think those first two long stanzas could stand alone. I do understand how they're split up, one based in mythology, one in science. Ooh! Chemistry! I love chemistry, ha! Hence my username...
This imagery wrapped my soul in a blanket and set it in front of a book of philosophy and a Bunsen burner. In a good way.
Colleen
I break these stanzas down like so because the first is the balanced side of the mystical and the second is the balanced side of science and chemistry, which are both soon after tied up in a line or two.
I might rename this poem "Libra" to emphasize this point.
I enjoyed this as well. But I personally think the stanzas need to be broken apat. Making a total of four stanzas.
The first one could be broken up after "surface."
The second stanza could be broken after "Rome."
If you did this however, you would need to add some more before the split.
Regardless of what you do, this is still a good piece.
Jearjioe
I enjoyed this, I really did
There's not much I can say here, but at this one part you blew my mind-in a good way-
That just sticks out, nicely done
I tried understanding the whole meaning here, and it seems to me that this is a piece which brings variety into the understanding. Yes variety into understanding and not a clog of fog before our eyes-I've seen those alot hehe-
I applaud you for that
Oh yes, the first line of your closure is great, try experementing more with the second it brings the bitter taste of what you've said in the other stanza back, which for me in the last stanza would be great if it that bitter weren't experienced
Cheerios, Chandni